December 8, 2010 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I was reading a blog of an acquaintance this morning that reminded me why I started this blog. I started it to share with family and friends what the kids were doing and post new pictures. I also started the blog to record my thoughts about this crazy journey of being a mom. I’ve done okay at sharing things about the kids but I haven’t done as well at sharing my thoughts. It was easy in the beginning. Everything was new and exciting and such a blessing. It is easy to share the great stuff.  It is harder to share your frustrations or troubles…ecspecially when you know that your family and friends are reading it.

The past couple of weeks have been challenging for me. The kids were waking up at four (they have been sleeping in this week) and they are both working on getting molars so they have been a bit difficult. I love them soo much but by the end of the day I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I feel bad because I know that I have been short with Jason and he really hasn’t done anything wrong.

 At one point last week I sat on the kitchen floor and cried because both kids were crying and I couldn’t get them to stop and I just didn’t know what else to do. I felt like I was failing.  Then I called Jason and told him I had to go back to work even if Wall-Mart was the only place I could find a job because I just couldn’t do this anymore. When I hung up the phone I cried some more because I felt like the worst mom in the whole world. Being a mom and a wife is what I have wanted to do my entire life. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to stay at home with my babies…why can’t I handle it?

A few days later Jason brought up the idea of getting a sitter for an afternoon or two a week just to give me a break. I have been thinking about it ever since and I’m not sure why but it is upsetting to me. Part of me wants to go find something to do a couple of days a week. To have goals outside of the home and have contact with other adults. The other part of me feels guilty and kind of like I have failed. I also know that if I am gone I will miss the kids.  I want to be the one here with the kids. They are learning so much right now and I feel like I probably do more with them than most sitters would. I feel like I should be able to handle it all. That is why I am home right? It makes me wonder if I would I really be happier being gone a couple of days a week or would I just miss them and feel guilty?

I know this is something that there isn’t a “right” answer to. Being a mom is all about balance and finding what works best for you and your family. I know that this is something that Jason and I are going to have to think about, pray about and figure out what is best for the two of us and Jack and Leah. Part of me thinks it has just been a rough couple of weeks and I just need to give it some time… at least enough time for these molars to come in.


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  1. *Hugs*

    You aren’t doing anything wrong, and you’re definitely not a bad mom. I’ve sat and cried with Eddie a time or two, and there’s only the one of him–it’s ok to be tired and stressed out and need a break.

    I know where you’re coming from with wanting to be the person taking care of your kids; Jim and I are working with the same problem. What I’ve found works for me is the YMCA–we have a family membership, so Eddie can go play with the kids in Child Watch while I go do yoga or walk to nowhere for half an hour. It gives him a chance for socialization, and me a chance for a break. It’s a win-win for us, and it might work for you: you’re still your kids’ primary caretaker, so you don’t have day-care guilt; your kids get a chance to socialize with other kids, and to play with all of the Y’s toys; and you get a chance to have some time to yourself. (My Y as a Coffee Nook with Wi-Fi, so working out isn’t even required.)

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